Sunday, February 26, 2006

Can Men And Women Be Friends?

Can Men And Women Be Friends? Or When Harry Met Sally Did He Really Just Want to Jump Her Bones?

by: Michael Ferrell

Men and women can't really be just friends, can they? Of course not. There’s always that pesky sexual tension to contend with. And what about the spouse, spousal equivalent, or boyfriend/girlfriend who’s sure to be jealous? Plus, there’s the biological/sociological nesting imperative that women contend with and the hunting imperative that seems to drive men.

A number of years ago, a landmark study published by Dr. Don O'Meara, a sociology professor at Raymond Walters College, identified the following four key obstacles to the success of male-female friendships

  • The inability to define the relationship
  • A fear of confronting feelings of sexual attraction
  • The inability of both partners to see each other as equals
  • Society’s response to a non-romantic relationship

(This is all of the above rolled into one: What’s going on here? Who do they think they are? They just won’t admit that they’re hot for each other!)

Let’s face it, when you come right down to it – there are just too many impediments and too many inherent differences between the sexes for cross-gender friendship to work. Right?

Wrong, wrong, and double-wrong – at least in today’s world.

Fifty years ago, when Harry met Sally, he was a breadwinner who worked outside the home and she was a stay-at-home mom (or stay-at-home spinster). Harry and Sally had very little in common and very few opportunities to explore their commonality. Their paths never crossed except at a church social, perhaps, or in situations that were specifically created to foster romance and, by extension, procreation and the continuation of the species. (Not the stuff sonnets are made of, perhaps, but good for society.)

That was then. This is now.

21st Century men and women follow their passions inside and outside the home and stand shoulder to shoulder as equals in most situations. In 2002, Harry and Sally work side by side at the office. They argue head-to-head at the boardroom table. They run hip to hip on the jogging trail. They may not see eye to eye on every issue, but they freely debate them in Internet chatrooms.

So today, not only do Harry and Sally have a solid foundation of shared interests on which to build a real friendship, they also have time and space to pursue a cross-gender friendship and a society that encourages them to do so. In fact, experts tell us that in today’s world, men and women in platonic friendships enjoy dozens and dozens of benefits from their relationships.

Interestingly, men seem to get more out of cross-sex friendship. In a study by a psychologist in private practice on Long Island in New York State, men rated cross-sex friendships higher in overall quality than their same-sex friendships. Men reported they most enjoyed talking and sharing with women - something they didn’t do with male friends.

All that sharing that men find so appealing – organic though it may be to women -- can be a bit of a drain, so les femmes say they turn to les hommes for a different dynamic. With men, women say they enjoy the lightness of not having to carry someone else’s emotional ‘baggage.’ Women may also derive a sense of safety and protection from their male platonic friends – much as they might from a big brother. Interestingly, women say the chance to learn ‘what guys are REALLY thinking” is the number 1 benefit of cross-gender friendship.

So does Harry WANT Sally? You bet. But if he can’t have her ‘that way,’ friendship will do quite nicely, thank you!


About The Author
Michael Ferrell is the owner and operator of PerfectLoveLetters.com - Discover How YOU Can Quickly & Easily Create A Love Letter To Express Your Love & Devotion In Only 3½ Minutes Without Writing!
mike@choicedvd.com

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Can't Take a Compliment?

by: Helen Ksypka

“Putting ourselves down, is an insult to our worth.” -- Helen Ksypka

Have you ever noticed how women dodge compliments as if they’re bullets?
You look terrific.
Oh, please; I’m a mess.

That’s a beautiful blouse.
This old thing?

You did a super job.
Not really.

What a great dinner.
It was nothing.

It was nothing. That one really gets me. Why do you think we women are taken for granted and treated as if we can and should do it all? When we prepare a meal, a party, or holiday, believe me it’s a big, fat something. If someone compliments us, we need to acknowledge that we knocked ourselves out, and say: thanks for noticing.

If you think I’m blowing this out of proportion, let me tell you how resisting compliments hurt one woman’s business.

I spotted a top-notch brochure and knew I’d found the graphic artist I was looking for. When I contacted her and raved about the superb layout, color choices and her eye for detail, she not only found fault with every compliment, she cited additional flaws, hellbent on convincing me that the whole brochure could have been better.

Guess what? I ran for the hills. If she didn’t think she was so hot, why the heck would I hire her? And you know something? When I studied her work, again, I started to believe that maybe she wasn’t so talented after all. (But on the other hand, if she had just kept her mouth shut and accepted my compliments, I would have scrutinized no further, happy to be a new client.)

Perhaps recipients of compliments think that by undermining praise, it makes them appear humble. It doesn’t. Instead it sends a message that screams:

I’m not worthy.
I feel ill at ease.
I have no confidence.

And what about the people doling out the compliments? They feel they’re going out of their way to show recognition, so even if the recipient rebuffs out of insecurity, it leaves the compliment-giver feeling unappreciated, frustrated, or duped that his or her observation wasn’t very astute.

Now think about this for a minute. There’s a steady supply of people who seize any opportunity to point out our weaknesses and shortcomings. They stomp on our ideas, dismiss our efforts, and diminish our dreams. So when compliments are handed to us on silver platters, why, oh why would we pass up positive reinforcement?

Because it’s an insidious habit, but it’s a habit that can be consciously reversed with practice.

If we don’t think we look so great today, but someone thinks we do, why knock it? If someone thinks we did an outstanding job, let’s bask in the glory. We need to ditch the attitude: “I’m not perfect enough” and give credit to ourselves and to the people who acknowledge us and our efforts. We all deserve compliments. And we deserve to take them.

Copyright 2004 by Helen Ksypka

About The Author

Helen Ksypka is a communication, organizational, and time management consultant. She is the founder of Communication Clout (SM/TM), a division of Born Organized (R), and offers many free tips at her website: http://www.bornorganized.com

Helen is also the author of "Quotes to the Rescue: Wisdom to Help You Live Life Effectively". For details, visit http://quotestotherescue.com/
Helen@bornorganized.com

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Women Really Superior to Men?

by: Salma N. Ajani

While doing my search for this idea, I came across something interesting on the web. At a hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and serious.

Surveying the worried faces, the doctor said, "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

Keeping all kidding aside, let’s answer this age old question; evaluate what we know up to this point, scientifically as well as culturally. Are women really superior to men?

Now research is confirming that the brains of men and women are somewhat different. Studies show that human male brains are, on average, approximately 10 percent larger than female brains. Certain brain areas in women, however, contain more nerve cells.

We must pay special interest on the amount of “gray matter,” the part of the brain that allows us to think. The researchers wanted to know if women have as much gray matter as men or more to make up for the smaller brains. Later, it was proven that women have 55.4 percent gray matter, vs. 50.8 in men.

Men listen with only one side of their brains, while women use both, according to information on brain imaging presented in November 2002, at the 86th Scientific Assembly and Annual Meeting of the Radiological Society of North America (RSNA).

Other research suggests that on average the female brain performs better on some skills, while the male brain executes other tasks at a higher level.

It makes sense that brains vary between the sexes. Each sex had a very defined role in ancient time, which helped ensure the survival of the human race. Cave men hunted. Cave women gathered food near the home, and cared for the children.

None of these show superiority, but does show that we are made differently, with different needs, and different ideas. Why do we then compare for superiority, or even expect the other to be just like us?

It is important to realize that man and women are made differently, for a reason. Especially women, need someone she can talk to, share her ideas with and grow with. Man need to hunt, to protect, not ask for directions when they are lost, or I should say just be Men.

In old times, especially in Asian and Eastern cultures, women had many disadvantages (compared to now). Male Emperors would marry many women. Society did not provide woman with many rights. Women were pretty much confined to their homes. However, despite of these disadvantages, there were few women who had access to that woman wisdom, or power. Now, what was the difference between those women, who found their power, vs. those who did not?

The answer is synergy. These powerful women were each other’s support. No jealousies, no putting other women down; just supporting each other to the best of their ability. In fact, when the male emperor would mate with one of his wives, other wives would take care of that wife ahead of time. Give her massages, feed her wonderful and healthy foods, talk to her, and provide her with all the emotional support that was needed.

Today, women have more rights, more freedom, better living conditions. They are lot more aggressive, but they still do not feel as empowered, peaceful and in control.

In today’s society, the concept of women bonding is pretty much lost. Even when a woman goes to different feminine organizations, her goal is networking, improving her business, and benefiting anything and everything, but herself.

If you pay close attention and realize that the difference between a plant, which is alive, and a plant which is dead, is the plant which is alive, is growing. In order for our children to survive, and humankind to flourish in the future, our children must evolve beyond us. In order for them to go beyond us, they need to understand life from all points of view, both male and female. That is why we are here, to teach, to guide, and to help the universe expand and evolve with our differences.

One day I was flipping TV channels where I came across one of those shows where a priest was giving a sermon. He asked something very interesting to his congregations. The question was, “What is the best thing a father can do for their children”? The answer was “Love their mother”. Now this is something I have learned all through my life in my family as to how much powerful a woman can be. I do not mean physically or even mentally. In fact, I grew up learning that my brothers were much smarter and stronger then I was. But there was always this converse of women power or women wisdom, which was always talked about, but was never clarified.

Many women do not realize that their superiority and strength comes from bonding with other women. Man can’t full fill all of your needs and desires. When it comes to emotional bonding, which usually comes from talking, sharing and connecting, girlfriends are the key. Cherish your friends, and specially your women friendships.

Both Man and woman need to be supportive and a source of strength for each other, but timing is the key. Women who have other women to bond with, to share with, to educate and grow with, have more peaceful marriages. These women do not desire to talk to their husbands as soon as he walks into the home, tired from work. In fact, they become source of strength and support for him.

More then half of the marriages end up in divorce in this country. Some time it feels that all the advancement are coming to us with a hefty price. More and more women find themselves helpless, in one form or the other. All it boils down to is that all the power and freedom did not come with the wisdom it required. Woman before us got us the power to move forward, now, it is our responsibility to add wisdom to this power before passing on to our next generation.

The difference between man and women are logical. It makes sense that brains vary between the sexes. Men tend to be more natural-born protectors while women are natural-born nurturers. When women use these natural abilities to form, cultivate, and foster business relationships, they can create lasting business associations in the business circle.
To answer the question, are women superior to men? The answer is, it does not really matter, if we choose not to use that power and wisdom already given to us. From the beginning of the time, only a handful of women are using their full power and wisdom. They understand, and choose to learn and choose to use their strengths. Whether you are a at-home mom or a working women, understanding and connecting with other woman, educating ourselves and truly supporting each other, will help us be who we naturally are, phenomenal women.


About The Author

Salma Ajani is the Managing Consultant at Ajani & Associates. She is a full-time professional speaker/trainer, author, and consultant, and specializes in the concept of “Women and Accelerating Change". She has worked with Anthony Robbins as a Corporate Speaker, while traveling with his seminars all over the country. Salma uses therapeutic models in her work, such as NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), Erickisonian Hypnosis, Virginia Satir's Family Therapy, Silva Method, and Richard Bandler's DHE (Design Human Engineering).

Contact: http://www.ajani.com/

salmaajani@ajani.com

5 Things You Shouldn't Do If He's Cheating on You

by: Ruth Houston

This may be the most important article you’ll read about dealing with your husband’s affair. There’s plenty of information available on what to do if your husband is cheating. But very little has been written about the things you shouldn’t do.

Your husband is cheating. You’re not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that decision, let’s focus first on what you SHOULDN’T do. Most women react blindly when they find out their husbands are having an affair. They let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them to do things they later regret -- things which make it difficult or impossible to implement any worthwhile infidelity advice they may later receive.

This article will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage the course of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to leave your husband or stay with him and try to work things out, doing the wrong thing at the outset can make a bad situation worse. Let’s look at 5 key things you SHOULDN’T do and examine the reasons why.


1. Don’t put him out or leave him - yet.

Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be your last resort. You may eventually decide to do this, but for now, it’s the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on what’s going on. It’ll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or leave, you’ll be hard-pressed to know what he’s doing, short of hiring an investigator. As long as you’re still together, you can keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed facts. There’s a lot you need to know about the situation before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Continue monitoring your husband’s activities, attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use. Also bear in mind that as long as he’s still there, you have a chance to work things out.


2. Don’t tell the whole world about his infidelity.

It’s natural to want to confide in somebody about your husband’s affair, or rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the “other woman.” Make sure you’re confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husband’s affair could complicate the situation. There are men out there who take advantage of women when they’re in a vulnerable state. Telling your husband’s friends or family may not produce the results you want. They might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren’t the only ones who never forget. Some people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after they’ve been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husband’s affair.


3. Don’t ignore his affair or pretend it’s not happening.

Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending it’s not happening will make him think he’s getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval. At some point you should inform your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your husband you know about it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair.


4. Don’t confront him without the 3 P’s – Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.

Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. DO NOT ask your husband if he’s cheating. CHEATERS ALWAYS LIE. Present the evidence you’ve gathered that proves he’s having an affair - names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it’s been going on, how he feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then you’ll be able to make a wise decision about what course of action to take. DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT PROOF OF HIS INFIDELITY. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove he’s been cheating, the information-gathering phase will never get off the ground. If you need proof, there’s a way for you to get it without hiring a detective or buying software or surveillance equipment. “Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs” will help you find all the proof you need using only your eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your husband, and the information in this book.


5. Don’t waste your time and energy on the other woman.

One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It’s natural for you to be curious about her, but she’s not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about her, referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on the real issues where it belongs. Don’t obsess over the details of what happened between the two them. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman and demanding that she leave your husband alone. She’s not obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening her will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling the her will only make your husband come to her defense. You’ll be driving them closer together instead of forcing them apart Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track.

Will you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it? The final outcome depends on the way you handle things when you first discover your husband’s affair. In the initial stages, you may be unsure exactly what you’re going to do. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your husband or leave him, avoiding these mistakes, leaves the way clear for whatever decision you eventually make.

© 2003 by Ruth Houston

About The Author

Ruth Houston is the author of “Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs.” To learn more about her book, sign up for her infidelity newsletter, or receive a FREE Infidelity report and list of 29 Telltale Signs, visit her website at http://www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com or mailto: CheatingSigns@aol.com